The Darwin Awards

2013 Darwin Awards

Next Prev Random Honoring Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool--by removing themselves from it.

The Doors-Break On Through
2013 Darwin Award Winner
Confirmed True by Darwin

(1) A vodka-swilling pill-popping airline customer.
(2) A potted plant made of plastic.
(3) Airport security video showing the former climbing the latter.
And then came the elevator...

(16 March 2013, Florida) The death of a man who fell down an elevator shaft at Tampa International Airport last year was ruled accidental -- if one considers forcing open the elevator doors, jumping toward the cables, and wrapping your arms and legs around them to slow your descent "an accident." The man lost his grip (friction is a bitch) and fell headfirst down the shaft from the seventh floor, resulting in a quick and painless death: the medical report describes the trauma as "complete dislocation of cervical vertebrae 5 and 6, with spinal cord laceration," meaning he broke his neck.

Pill-popping vodka-swilling Chad Wolfe, 31, was resting in peace (or "sleeping it off") when the Estate of Chad Wolfe decided to dig up his grave eighteen months later by filing a lawsuit. Evidently a hanging Chad demands a legal enquiry. According to the Estate of Chad Wolfe, the cause of his death was a malfunctioning elevator and airport authorities as well as the elevator manufacturer should have prevented it.

At the time, Chad was behaving like a impatient drunken gorilla. He was physically strong; forcing open elevator doors is no problem for a man who can climb potted plants. He was also high as a kite with the fantastical belief that he could grab the elevator cables in free-fall and slide down to the first floor like a movie hero. Eighteen months later Chad is portrayed as the blameless victim of doors that opened too easily.

It is reasonable that elevator doors should open with a determined effort, otherwise people are physically trapped inside elevators when the power fails. It is unreasonable to protect idiots from themselves no matter the extreme. And idiots are made, not born -- the person in question had voluntarily swallowed a mix of decision-impairing substances bringing his BAC to 0.17% with a Xanax chaser. Unfamiliar with Xanax, this writer thumbed through the Urban Dictionary and found Xanax described as one of the more addictive benzos with withdrawal effects including psychosis and epileptic-type seizures.

Summary? A DARWIN AWARD is granted to Chad Wolfe, while a STELLA AWARD for legal stupidity is awarded to the Estate of Chad Wolfe.

TITLE SUGGESTIONS FROM FANS --
"Hanging Chad." -Tracey G.
"Hanging Chad Falls - Legal Challenge Attempts To Overturn Result." -David M.
"The Doors: Break On Through To The Other Side." -Kim A.

"Mad" Chad - Dead Sad Lad. -Cindy S.G.
"An Open And Shut Case On A Sliding Scale Of 7-1." -Katherine H.
"Friction Is A Bitch." -Wendy Northcutt

"The Wolfe Of Fall Street."-Paul B.
"Die Hard With A Xanax." -Avery Roff-Nichols
"Cable Guy Faces Reality." - Wayne D.P.
"Superhero Tryouts: Day One." -Thomas H.I.

"Determined Descent" -Akane T.
"Crash Landing Inside The Airport." -Marathon Maine-iac
"Flamboyant Folly Falls Flat!" -Sibusiso N.
"Drunken Degenerate Drops Dead." -Tim A.
"Drug Binge Ends In Heavy Comedown At Breakneck Speed." -Barry McC.
"Gravity And Friction Implicated In Death, Blind Lady Judges Them Innocent." -Talvald Farseer

"Please mind the gap." -Nikolaj N.
"No brains, no headache." -Chris K.
"Xanax. Once you pop you cannot stop... being an idiot." -Martin S.
"Drunk on vodka, you say? 'What would Putin do?'" -Daniel B.
"Shafted." -Claire B. and Sonia N.B.

ORIGINAL SUBMISSION 1, and 2.

  0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10  
   
                                   

DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2017
Submitted by: Adam
Reference: abcactionnews.com, tbo.com.

Previous Directions Next