.
Yesterdays News.
Late January 2012
The Evolution Revolution
Momentum Always
Wins.
(Train Tracks Edition)
Early January 2012
The Smart
Report:
Homo sapiens sapiens
Endangered Species.
Darwin Awards: An Eye For Humor
NEWS RELEASE // April 2012
The Darwin Awards: In Search Of Smart.
Fair Warning to the klutzes among us--If you fall into walls you will
soon fall into wells. Bloooop! Proceed with extreme caution, and have
your eyes checked. You might be klutzy from the binocular vision problems.
Adults can
be helped, too. Whether walking, or walking off the curb, ability of
the eyes to coordinate movement is essential to survival smarts. Eye
movement "insufficiencies" routinely cause poor schoolwork, poor learning,
clumsy behavior, injuries and broken belongings, and diagnoses of emotional
problems.
Cure your eyes ya clumsy klutz, it is simple survival sense.
Homo sapiens accepts limited eyesight.
Neo Sapien seeks binocular vision.
Widespread success supports the sensible idea of exercising our eyes. The Optometrists Network explains 7 ways eyes work together. Bernstein Center for Visual Development in New York checkmarks 10 symtomatic complaints. More: accomodative dysfunction. convergence insufficiency.
This week the Darwin Awards presents another humans-killing-humans Darwin Award for the species.
Human intelligence is MIA and presumed dead.
Evolve!
DATE 2012-01-12
The Smart Report: Chapter One. "Training The
Monkeys." Momentum is synonymous with locomotives; a speeding train
is nearly an unstoppable force. Three (true) train Darwin Awards are
covered below, two involving the paranormal experience. Learn why
it's important to choo choose weapons wisely when you
battle momentum.
Due to extraordinary species-wide stupidity, today we tell these Darwin Awards from the viewpoint of a fictitious character named Mike***. While Darwin Awards deaths occur around him, Mike's thoughts satirize the "Headed-For-Extinct Think" typical of Homo sapiens sapiens. Darwin Awards Headquarters hopes you enjoy (and learn from) today's lessons:
Trains and Politics: Momentum Always Wins.
"Mike" was reading a newspaper on the way to work. German trains really do run on time, so Mike was cheerful as he read the funny pages. The Political Darwin Awards were a news item! About time, he thought, "Those jokers are some major darwinawards dumbhats. I'd nominate them all, every last one." Typically the Ho'osapien had someone else to blame.
- At that moment, the connecting doors opened, and in walked Yasin A., 22. Yasin grabbed a handrail with both hands and swung his feet up against the window in a macho little burst of energy. Bam! Unfortunately, swinging feet-first from the handrail into a window succeeded not only in bursting the glass, but also in sucking Yasin out of the moving train! He was a shoe-in winner of a Darwin Award. The athlete was trained, you might say. Several days later the body was found, completely by coincidence, when workers were changing a fitting in the area. Dead on the tracks in a manner so mysterious--given that our fictional viewpoint "Mike" was about to quietly leave the scene--that police spent two days trying to reconstruct what had happened. [REFERENCE:Shoe In Winner]
"Mike" didn't want any trouble, so he quietly moved into the adjacent compartment. He hoped that Yasin wore clean underwear that day, and he mused about on his own underwear and its propriety in similar circumstances. Such inconsequential concerns occupy the minds of great humans, and presumably more than one has wandered into the path of danger with that same distracting thought.
Why does this illustration show his crack? Linkthru and ask.
| Food For Thought: Would Yasin's results differ depending on whether the handrail was vertical or horizontal? The orientation of the handrail was not reported; above is an artist's view. | 'Yasin' is a Turkish name. A 1980 coup d'etat in Turkey displaced mass involuntary immigrants who became "guest workers" in Germany, where the event happened. |
R.I.P.
In the adjacent compartment people were talking noisily, so Mike lost his train of thought and absently tucked the newspaper under his arm. He overheard a pretty woman avidly describing a Russian lunatic...
- The Russian believed his brain had psychic powers to stop vehicles
'dead' in their tracks. The woman laughed when she said, 'dead.' This man
was not a garden lunatic, he was a famous mentalist by the name of
E. Frenkel. Evidently he had started small--a bicycle here, an automobile
there, the occasional streetcar. Methodically he went about determining
the largest mass his brain could stop by sheer force of will.
The Russian psychic came to believe that he needed to put himself in mortal peril to find the upper limit. "In extraordinary conditions of a direct threat to my organism, all reserves will be called into action," and even the mass of a train could be deflected. With confidence, he tossed his briefcase aside and stepped onto the tracks, with arms raised, head lowered, and body tensed, he waited. The engineer was quick to apply the emergency brakes, but momentum took its unswerving course. As a child would know, a train is more than a match for a brain, and that fatal experiment was the end of the distinguished career of E. Frenkel. [REFERENCE: Train Of Thought]
This seemed
farfetched to Mike. Why would the man toss his briefcase to the side?
That fact didn't fit. He pulled out his phone and Blekko'd for news related to the topic. He
found [one yellowed page on the net], a
report that looked authentic and claimed to be from the Associated Press.
Perhaps it was true, perhaps the mental case did psych himself out.
R.I.P.
Humans have opposable thumbs. Mike used his to thumb the paper to his favorite ulcer news, stupid politics. Politics was getting so this-side, that-side, every side was behaving like monkeys. He read with contempt another statement so obviously ridiculous that it would get a man laughed out of a bar in four states plus Maine. Comedy, tragedy. Politics does deserve a Darwin Award, he thought. Who better to mock than Homo sapiens with its monkeys elected by monkeys to rule over monkeyland? His ulcer grumbled, but Mike ignored it. He was smarter than all those political monkeys, he thought, TOO smart to run for office, that is for sure.
The walls of the train were littered with advertisements. Daily life, for the extinction-bound human, is filled with ecouragements to spend money. One lurid poster advertised a movie based on a true story:
Back in
1891 a North Carolina train wreck killed about two dozen people. The wreck
became the center of a legend that a ghostly train returns to the site on
the annual anniversary. Nearly one hundred years later, a sizeable group
of excited ghost hunters were standing on a train trestle, waiting for the
legendary ghost train with their cameras raised, when a real train came
through on schedule. Eleven of the ghost hunters were able to dodge the
bullet, but 29-year-old Christopher was thrown from the trestle, and died.
Darwin Award! [REFERENCE: TNTC]
Mike supposed the movie would put heroic spin on the event, perhaps cast Christopher as a hero who died heroically rescuing a squirrel. Mike hopes that his own last act will likewise add good karma to his record.
Although Mike thinks the notion of paranormal activities is ridiculous, and the ghost train stalkers were ridiculous, he himself is superstitious about certain things such as blowing out all the candles on the birthday cake, and karma, for sure. Karma was probably coming to the athlete-moron in the other compartment, the one who went flying out the window feet-first.
"Karma always catches up to you," Mike muttered as he stepped off the train. Right on time, as always!
R.I.P.
*** "Mike" is a fictional observer *** Mike represents stupid human ideas. He is named "Mike" after the first fusion bomb: explosion of Mike completely obliterated an island. [video:Mike Blows.] As our Mike goes about his daily life, his thoughts satire/satirize pervasive Darwin Awards-level thinking popular in Homo sapiens sapiens brains.
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Darwin Awards: Extinction of Species.
"Clap, clap, clap."
.
.
Kindness to strangers: smart not dumb. Darwin Awards says, surf!
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