2000 At-Risk Survivor

Although the stupidity displayed in the following tales stops short of the ultimate sacrifice, we salute the spirit and innovation shown in these misadventures.

Mr. Happy's Vacuum   2000 At-Risk Survivor Confirmed True by Darwin (13 May 1998, New Jersey) There's apparently not much to do in Long Branch during the long May evenings. A 51-year-old man decided to satisfy his fantasy of robotic love by seeking sexual gratification with his vacuum cleaner. Most men would think twice before poking a valuable organ into a vacuum, but this optimistic fellow had no qualms about the safety of his intended course of action. And using a vacuum cleaner had the appealing aspect of tidying up his mess after satisfying him. Our horny hero didn't realize that the suction on his hand-held Singer A-6 was created by a blade whirling just beneath the hose attachment, adjacent to the collection bag. His search for pleasure was cut short seconds after he stuck his penis into the vacuum and the blade lopped off part of his penis. With a sense of loss, he staggered to the phone and called police. He told them that he had been stabbed in his sleep. When police pointed out suspicious evidence, the victim claimed not to remember the incident. Surgeons at Monmouth Medical Center stopped the bleeding, but were unable to reattach the 1/2" severed part. Though this man is still alive, his ability to reproduce has been curtailed by both his injury and his proclivity for household appliances. DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2009 Submitted by: James Deslauriers, L.J. Lara, Scott, Jason Wallace, Edward Jaegler, John Metz, Jeremy Fletcher, Tom Weaver, Brian Howard, Andrew Corl, Gilles Russell Reference: Associated Press, USA Today, UPI, Wausau Daily Herald, KROG Los Angeles, New Jersey Star-Ledger Johannes Schya says such events are common in Germany. A graduate dissertation at the University of Munich details this strange kind of injury, and includes case studies and interviews with the involuntary volunteers. The dissertation was made public by members of the "Chaos Computer Club" of Hamburg, and has been referenced in Der Spiegel, Nr 5 1986. Those interested can read "Penisverletzung bei Masturbation mit Staubsaugern" Theimuras, Michael Alschibajy Von der Universität München.

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