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Darwin Awards
2000 Urban Legends
Email a Friend The following stories are apocryphal. They are included on the Darwin Awards website because they are inspirational narratives of the astounding efforts of legendary Darwin Awards contenders. Next
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Gun-Totin' Granny 
2000 Urban Legend

Disqualified by Darwin January 2007: "This is a stupid story! And unconfirmed. Just genital mutilation in the pursuit of poetic justice. It's not funny to me!
(March 2000, Melbourne, Australia) Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot their testicles off!

"The old lady spent a week hunting those bums down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way," said admiring Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. "Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the seedy hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. "The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to," Detective Delp told reporters. "Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through."

The Rambo Granny swung into action after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.

"When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the police would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' it all my life."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos' car, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

"I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them," the ornery oldster recalled. "So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door -- and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em; got right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in."

Now, baffled lawmen are tying to figure out how to deal with the vigilante granny. "What she did was wrong, but you can't really throw an 81-year-old woman in prison." Det. Delp said, "especially when all 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood."

Daniel Rezmann refutes the veracity of this Urban Legend:
I work for the Office of Public Prosecutions in Melbourne, and thus have access to information on the criminal activities of my fellow Victorians. I checked through our records, and I can say with confidence that neither rapist exists in our records. If they were actually convicted, there is a 100% chance that they would be in our records, as we would have prosecuted them. Furthermore, even a Granny in her 80's would still be prosecuted. Case in point is where one elderly lady was charged with stabbed another to death in a nursing home last year. And finally, I read our newspapers and watch the news programs each night, and I do not recall ever seeing anything about this matter, despite its sensational nature which, if true, would plaster it all over the media.

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Submitted by: Kirk Hays, John Gargett

Reference: Weekly World News

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