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Darwin Awards
2009 Slush Pile

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Cooked Meat

2009 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

My father used to work on a hospital on an Indian reservation, and alot of people he saw at the hospital were alchoholics who managed to maim themeselves in some impressive way (his old saying was theres a kind of immortailty you get when your blood alchohol level goes above 4) while drunk. This particular drunk went camping and managed to knock himself out with a most impressive quantity of booze. He did this while around his large bonfire. In his drunken sleep, passed out state, whatever you may call it, his leg fell into the coals. He'd managed to consume enough beer to not feel it, nor even wake up. After many, many hours of cooking in the coals, he woke up. After suffering that level of burns (scientically, fourth, but I'd in my ignorance, describe it as more of fifth), his nerves didn't work. At all. Now here is where t gets truly bizzare... Instead of going to the hospital with his destroyed leg, he wnt home, and attempted to treat his leg himself by rubbing ketchup, mustard and mayonaise into his leg.

No lie.

Well, after a week of getting no results, he took his fried leg to the hospital, where he was informed that that sucker has got to go. If you drink yourself out of your mind...While next to a fire...Then rub condiments into te wound that happens as a result for a week, you deserve an honorable mention.

By the way, the family theory on the condiments, was that his leg looked so much like cooked meat that it should be treated as such. Cheers!

Submitted on 11/04/2009

Submitted by: Ben Hobbs
Reference: My father, the ER doctor, 1999

Copyright © 2009 DarwinAwards.com

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Bruce said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
Rubbing ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise into a severely burned leg to try to treat it? That's a new one on me! Thanks, Ben.

Candi said:
Definitely Keep: Personal Account
And some say that alcohol doesn't damage the brain...

Darwin Awards III: Survival of the Fittest

Hardback. 304 pages. Autographed.
$15
The human race's most popular humor series returns with a brand-new collection of macabre mishaps and misadventures. Honoring those who improve our gene pool by inadvertently removing themselves from it, the Darwin Awards III shows once more how uncommon common sense still is.

Salute the sheriff who inadvertently shot himself--twice! Witness the insurance defrauder who amputated his leg with a chainsaw! Heed the story of the farmer who avoided bee stings by sealing his head in a plastic bag! Cringe at the man crushed by a branch he'd just severed... directly over his head!

123 new stories, 18 full-page illustrations, plus discussions of transgenic animals, the origin of life, and more.

Autographed by Author!

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