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Darwin Awards
2004 Slush Pile

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Fork Lift & Oven

2004 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance

Religion steps in where Science fails!

Dear Wendy, what if God really made us from his Example? Wouldn't that mean that Heaven could be similar to the political & economical Structures on Earth? That different Departements work against each other, not together? Heavenly Bureaucracy. Imagine: God wants to "call back" a Human which turned out to be an Idiot. Well, Humans are his Product, he has the Responsibility for their Quality. But the Guardian Angels think that every Human has the Right to exist. A struggle between old & new Testament. This is what comes to my Mind when I think about a certain Guy I know. His Name is Siggy, he's an Idiot and his good & bad Luck is unbeliveable. Read what happend to him in 1993 (He was 22 if I remember it right):

1st Case: Siggy worked in the Depot of a Company. The Foreman thought that he should have a Fork Lift Truck-License. The Training started and Siggy seemed not to be such a bad Driver at all. With the Exception that his average Speed was the maximum Speed. Which is not recommanded if you want to make a 90°-Turn. Siggy managed it not only to skip the Fork Lift Truck on two Wheels, he fell out, too. An improbable Stunt? Wait, now it's getting really strange. Normally the Fork Lift Truck should have fell on the Side. Fork Lift Trucks have a special Safety-Switch called "Totmann". You may know it from the Subway, it works like a reverse Break: When you don't press it with your Foot, the Fork Lift Truck stops at once. No Acceleration, no Compensation of the centrifugal Power. The Vessel follows the Vector of the Impuls and falls on the Driver. But not this Time. The Engine didn't stop. The For Lift Truck fell back on four Wheels and performed a Circle, right over Siggy's Pelvis. But he wasn't squeezed to Death again! Special Anecdote: I've asked him if something got broken. He replied: "No, just a Fraction of the pubic Bone!"

2nd Case: Siggy worked in a Factory for Light Bulbs. To be exact, at the Oven in which the Element Wolfram gets burned in on the filament of the Bulb. At a very high Temperature, of course. That high that the rapid Addition of Oxgen causes an serious Explosion. Which is the Reason why the Door of the Oven must be closed during the Procedure. This is the first Thing new Workes are told about. At the Oven itself is a Warning Sign and a Control Lamp. And of course, a Display where you can watch the Parameters. But Siggy decided to have a Look inside anyway. He opend the Door and... Surprise! Guess what? Siggy wasn't killed by the Blast Flame, even he traveled a serious Distance in Mid-Air. He wasn't even hurt. If you don't count the Loss of his Eybrows.

Well, these are only two Accidents he told me about personally. But I know that he always causes frequently more or less serious Accidents. Which is not directly related to the Fact that he only gets (& loses) bad & dangerous Jobs because of his low IQ. He's clumsy with everything. But if a Person is involved in so many Accidents, the Probability of lethal Consequences is most high. Now tell me: How did he survive until Today? And why? Is this a Violation of the Law of natural Selection? Maybe the Work of diametral supernatural Powers? The 1st Case looks like that. It's not THAT this Accident happend, but HOW it happend. It reminds me to a vintage Tit-for-Tat-Comedy. How do you think about it? Sincerly yours, Nic Cramer Augsburg Germany

Submitted on 07/28/2004

Submitted by: Nic Cramer
Reference: Personal Account 1993

Copyright © 2004 DarwinAwards.com

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Charles said:
Neutral: Personal Account
(Note: Wolfram is also called Tungsten.) I am of two minds about this. Clearly his stupidity is such that he deserves to suffer Darwinian removal from the gene pool; and yet he leads a charmed existence. I'm unsure whether to list him as an HM, or disqualify because he isn't coming close to dying...


Jack said:
Neutral: Personal Account
Well, all I can say is that sometimes Murphy works in the opposite direction. Since we can't verify any of this, let's just call it what the submitter did and call it a Personal Account.


Tracy said:
Neutral: Personal Account
aybe, just maybe, this is a future Darwin. Couldn't we monitor him as a scientific experiment?


Daniel said:
Maybe Toss: Not Amusing
Perhaps with a better write up.


Gary said:
Maybe Toss: Personal Account
The best you can say about this fellow is we're sure to see him in the future. That is, if the accident investigation team can figure out what happened to him.


The Darwin Awards Gift Shop

Darwin Awards III: Survival of the Fittest

Hardback. 304 pages. Autographed.
$15
The human race's most popular humor series returns with a brand-new collection of macabre mishaps and misadventures. Honoring those who improve our gene pool by inadvertently removing themselves from it, the Darwin Awards III shows once more how uncommon common sense still is.

Salute the sheriff who inadvertently shot himself--twice! Witness the insurance defrauder who amputated his leg with a chainsaw! Heed the story of the farmer who avoided bee stings by sealing his head in a plastic bag! Cringe at the man crushed by a branch he'd just severed... directly over his head!

123 new stories, 18 full-page illustrations, plus discussions of transgenic animals, the origin of life, and more.

Autographed by Author!

 

 

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