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What's a Darwin?
Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by
removing themselves from it in really stupid ways.
 185 fatal misadventures Now in Paperback! Just when you thought it was safe to leave the house, this book reminds you that dangerous idiots lurk everywhere. Suitable for reading in the bath or bed--but no smoking please! I don't want to lose even one reader.  [ More ] $7 at Amazon, etc.
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At-Risk Survivors
2001 Winners
 January 2001, West Virginia | A Charleston bank robber’s alibi for the crime placed him in hot water when he claimed to be buying heroin in another state at the time of the robbery. He gave them a hotel receipt and police searched the room to find 84 packets of heroin. Police decline to comment on Donald’s fate. Associated Press
 May 2001 | In a poorly judged attempt to convince his wife he was sober enough to drive, a 29-year-old husband pulled up to a State Police barracks in his pickup truck, parked illegally, and demanded a sobriety check. He failed the Breathalyzer test and was taken into custody. "Basically," an amused Sergeant Paul Slevinski explained, "his wife won the argument." Southampton Press
 January 2001, Florida | A 24-year-old construction worker tied himself to a piece of scaffolding for safety while working on the 4th floor of the county jail annex. Forgetting he was attached to the metal, he tossed it to the ground, and was carried along for the ride. He landed on the scaffolding, which pierced both legs. He was treated for his injuries at Bayfront Medical Center in St. Petersburg, and hopefully counseled on the use of his most important safety tool: his brain. Sarasota Herald-Tribune
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Darwin's
Social Commentary
In 2001 Two men, two criminals, each attacked the wrong woman, each earned his just comeuppance.
Let's hope this is the start of trend!
Call Girl At-Risk Survivor
 April 2001, New York | "Why not come back and meet me?" He thought she called to arrange a hot date, but he was wrong. The 29-year-old rapist had not only assaulted his victim, but also stolen $70 and her cell phone after poking her in the neck with a pair of tweezers he took from her purse. As soon as he left her apartment, she summoned help. Under the watchful eye of police, she helped catch the rapist by calling him on her own cell phone and courageously coaxed him back to her building. Her attacker arrived for his "date" an hour later with a 40-ounce bottle of Heineken in his hand and her panties and cell phone tucked in his pocket. Police took the man, trailing a long criminal record, into custody.
You Said a Mouthful Darwin Award CONFIRMED!
May 2001, Illinois | A Chicago woman took revenge into her own hands, rather successfully, when she bit off the testicles of her rapist. The 21-year-old man should have known better than to accost a woman twice his age and ferocity. When he dropped his trousers and forced her down, she seized her opportunity and severed his gonads mid-attack, rendered him permanently sterile to the satisfaction of all. The woman turned the testicles over to police at their headquarters a block away. Shortly thereafter a man with a matching injury appeared at the Reese Medical Center. Police put two and two together and cordoned off the injured man's hospital room, while doctors attempted, unsuccessfully, to reattach the rapist's genitals. A hospital spokesperson confirms that our Darwin Award winner is now sterile.
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Winners Announced!
2001 Darwin Awards
Think Before You Leap
Intersecting Darwins
Crystal Daze
Bulletproof
Blown Away
At-Risk Survivors
West Virginia Alibi
Tied to His Work
Sobriety Test
Social Commendations
Call Girl
[ Last Issue ]
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The Darwin Awards
2001 Winners
You've waited all year and then some, but the 2001 Winners are finally selected! Five stories that will leave you dumbfounded. Plus three At-Risk Survivors to look out for this year... or next!
July 2001, Idaho | His brakes failed while driving down a steep mountain road, so Marco bailed out on his eight passengers and leapt from his Dodge van. Too bad Marco didn't alert the others to the problem before he took flight so precipitously. Another passenger pulled the hand brake, bringing the vehicle to a stop a short distance away. Marco struck his head on the pavement and died at the scene. No one else was injured. South Idaho Press
 April 2001, Tennessee | One day before the US tax filing deadline, a Memphis Darwin Award winner trying to beat a train drove around the crossing gates -- only to be struck by an oncoming vehicle whose driver had the same mad plan. The driver of the first vehicle was killed, making this monumental stupidity the first instance we have witnessed of a Darwin Award winner crashing into an At-Risk Survivor. The accident happened to one side of the tracks, so the train passed by unimpeded. Memphis Commercial Appeal
Crystal Daze
"Darwin and Newton share a laugh."
 Mexico is home to two hot caverns containing the largest natural crystals known to man. "Walking into either of these caves is like stepping into a (sweltering) gigantic geode," described one awed observer. Some of the translucent selenite crystals are over 20 feet long. The newly-discovered caverns, 1200 feet below Chihuahua, carry a curse for those who seek to plunder their riches. A man recently tried to steal one of the magnificent crystals from the roof, and might have succeeded... if he hadn't stood directly beneath it while chopping it free. He was was crushed by the stalactite as it heeded the call of gravity.
Also: Winners
Blown Away and Bulletproof
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Literary Reference
The existence of Darwin Awards shows that we apparently do need common sense warnings like, "Caution: Batman cape does not enable wearer to fly."
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