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Darwin Awards

January 2002

Natural Selection in Action

UNNATURAL SELECTION

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What's a Darwin?
Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool... by removing themselves from it in really stupid ways.

 


Zeebarf

Website upgrade! Turns out that switching to a faster server is cheaper than staying with the 2-year-old machine that's served us so well.  Now we can enjoy faster page loading, quicker voting, and room to grow!
 

Pumped Up!
At-Risk Survivor

1989, California  |  The location: a small boat harbor in Santa Cruz. The victims: a sailboat and its owner. The opening scene: employees sprinting away from the dock’s fuel pumps -- a vision guaranteed to evoke dread in the souls of innocent bystanders.
If those around you are fleeing from danger, it’s a sure bet that you should follow in their footsteps. Within seconds, the entire deck of a cabin cruiser blasted five feet out of the water, propelled by enough force to fell an elephant. A bystander outside a nearby restaurant reported seeing a man fly from the airborne deck and land in the water near the flaming vessel.

The Harbor Patrol was on the scene within seconds. They fished the unconscious man from the water, and then quickly hauled the burning wreck over to a boat ramp before it set the fuel dock ablaze.

It turned out that the man spotted flying through the air had just purchased the boat, and was filling its tanks before he set sail to San Francisco. As he prepared to motor away from the fuel dock, a dock attendant noticed that he had pumped the fuel into a fishing pole holder instead of his tanks. The alarmed employee instructed him to turn on his bilge pump and blowers, but the man stated that he was in too much of a hurry to wait for the fumes to clear.

As the attendant ran for his life, sparks from the engine’s starter motor ignited the accumulated fumes.

The boat was dragged from the water with a bulldozer, and hauled to the junkyard as scrap. The owner was alive when he was carted off by the ambulance, but one way or another, his odds of surviving long in this world seem poor.

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Literary Reference

"One small (mis)step for man, one giant leap for mankind." -Neil Armstrong

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[ Last Issue ]

Bass Ackwards
Darwin Award

Woman attempts to make
an ass of herself -- and succeeds.

26 March 2001, Florida  |  Many women try to reduce the size of their posteriors, but a few scrawnier specimens attempt the opposite. After exhausting a range less invasive home remedies such as wearing padded layers of underwear, a 53-year-old Fort Lauderdale woman persuaded an unlicensed underground “plastic surgeon” to boost her butt size by pumping it full of silicone in the comfort of her own living room. Hospital officials contacted police to report the suspicious death of the needle-marked woman, who had been delivered to the emergency room by rescue workers after suffering breathing difficulties in her apartment.

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Slow Learner

23 March 2001, Virginia  |  Brandon, 21, was driving to the courthouse to face charges of reckless driving, speeding, driving without a license, and failure to wear seat belts, when he lost control of his speeding vehicle. The Hyundai crossed the median of Interstate 64 and collided with a truck pulling a flatbed trailer carrying three cars. As luck would have it, Brandon had again chosen not to wear his seatbelt. He was ejected from the car, and died at the scene.

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