SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY ISSUE of THE DARWIN AWARDS http://www.DarwinAwards.com --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ BAD DATE STORIES: KEEP YOURSELF OUT OF THE GENE POOL. You've managed to survive this long, but will your genes be featured in the next generation? Not if you cannot get a second date! Here are some excruciatingly bad First Date stories sent in by my readers to mark the signal event of Darwin/Wendy falling in love with Professor Greg. "If Death doesn't wipe out your genes, bad dating habits might." Sponsored by Darwin Awards Brand (TMI)* Condoms Sponsored by Darwin Awards Brand (TMI)* Condoms http://officialdarwinawards.com/shop/product_info.php?products_id=35 --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ >From Reader Jerry: On my first date, I drove my mom's car to pick up the girl. While meeting her family, her dad pointed out that I had a flat tire. In an effort to show my manly knowledge of things, I pulled out the spare and jacked up the car. Since I was nervous, I forgot to set the emergency brake. The car immediately rolled backwards a foot and trapped the jack under the frame. When I bent down to examine the situation, my pants ripped at the seam. Her dad ended up changing the tire while I sat in the bathroom in my underwear so her mom could sew up my pants. I'd tell you how things went from there, but I can't remember anything else about the evening. --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ >From Reader Jwlynas: The Ultimate One-Upmanship I was on a first date with a truly perfect lass. She and me, and her sister with her boyfriend of the moment. He and I began to compete, as one would, each trying to show up the other. It started with bowling, two games to him, one game to me. Then on to arcade games, a whitewash victory, three to nothing in my favor. Luckily the girls we were dating were serious geeks, so it all went down fabulously. All four of us got along really well. The competitons became more and more ridiculous. He would carry my girl, so I would carry his, who at the time weighed easily double my girlfriend... ouch! Then came the embarrasing part. He proposed on the spot. Not figuring out that this was not just another game, I did likewise, on bended knee with tears in my eyes. His said no. Mine said yes. It took a few moments for it to click in my head what had happened. By then, of course, it was too late. I had to admit that I thought the proposal was all part of the game. Never got to a second date... --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ http://www.DarwinAwards.com --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ >From Reader Xania: My date picked me up from home, and we were off to a smart dinner and dance with all of his friends and none of mine--good choice, in retrospect. We arrived at the venue and made our way toward the elegantly decorated entrance. As we neared the entrance, I saw a bridge cross to the door, and thought, "How quaint." I should add that my "I look and feel better than you in my dress" attitude had already made an impression on the couples standing outside gossiping. We stepped onto the bridge and started making our way across to the extravagantly lit hall. My date got excited and in his moment of seeing all his mates, e sped up the pace, leaving me trying to keep up and in the process stepping on the hem of my dress. As my dress was a beautiful boob tube cut top, it went down in an instant. I grabbed for the dress, not to mention my boobs, and rushed to pull it back up. I gathered myself and lifted my head, eyes closed, and thought, "No one saw, it's OK, keep moving." Only to find to my horror, as my eyes opened, that a huge screen covering the main wall showed shots of the couples doing their oh-so-elegant walks into the hall. There I stood, gaping at myself on the big screen, surrounded by plenty of men having a good stare. Needless to say, I had a few drinks, and my date was eager for date two. --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ >From Reader Tom: The City of San Jose put a new park under the airport approach zone, thus handling a noise problem and creating a great vantage point to watch the planes winging in, close overhead. One night, I decided to impress my new girl with the dazzling show. I brought a six-pack, sat her down on the grassy hill, and told her to wait for the surprise. I could see that a plane was approaching from behind the hill. "Get ready." I watched the plane come closer. "Here it comes." Then, as if I had planned it, the new park sprinklers kicked on! We jumped up and ran off the hill to the dry sidewalk. But I forgot the brewskis, so I ran back up through the cold, drenching sprinklers to save the beer My new girl followed me every step of the way. That good girl is now my Mrs. --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ >From Reader wqnawacko: After my divorce, on the urging of some friends I put an ad in the personals column in our local alternative paper. One of the first to reply described herself as svelte, educated, and stylish. We agreed to meet for drinks at my favorite club. What was waiting for me was at least 200 pounds overweight, did not know the name of the current vice-president, and clearly hadn't bathed in days. And in front of my friends, she asked if I wanted to hear her rape whistle. I bought her a drink nonetheless, and told her as politely as possible, given the circumstances, that I didn't think we had much in common. We parted ways, and I couldn't go back to the club until the hazing had run its course two weeks later. --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ http://www.DarwinAwards.com --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ >From Reader Roger: It was 1954. For months I had been trying to get a date with the prettiest girl in high school. I finally persuaded her to go out with me. We stopped at a local diner for a burger. It was crowded, so I volunteered to pick up the food from the counter to save time. On the way back to the table, I tripped and dumped a chocolate milkshake into her cleavage. End of date, end of story. --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ >From Reader Rod: The lads' theory was that it was best to date plain girls as they would be more grateful. With this in mind, I took Sue, the County Tennis Champion, out one evening to a club some 20 miles away. This was at an age when I was shocked to find a pint of bitter being sold at 17.5p. I was even more shocked when Sue asked for brandy & babycham. I'm still too stunned to recall how much those drinks cost, but she had six, so I reckoned it was a good investment. Halfway home I pulled into a layby and switched the engine off. Sue said something along the lines of, "You've only taken me out in order to have your wicked way with me, haven't you?" Of course I agreed. At which point she punched me very hard on the jaw, loosening a couple of teeth. She walked home from there. --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ >From Reader Andrew: While out on a fancy dress date, I turned to my girl with a full drink in my hand, and it slipped right onto her lap. If looks could kill, I'd have died right there. But the evening continued. I parked on the hill by my house to pick up something. I left the car in neutral without setting the parking brake, and quickly stepped out the door. Unfortunately my date (in her dress) stepped out more slowly, so she was caught behind the door as the car coasted backwards. I ran back to my door and pushed as hard as I could to stop the car from moving. When we went inside, she quietly asked my brother if I was always so clumsy. --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ http://www.DarwinAwards.com --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ >From Reader Jason: My girlfriend and I had been going through a rough patch. I decided that a romantic evening at home was just the thing to help us rekindle the flames. If I only knew. While she was at work I prepared a wonderful gourmet dinner, rented a romantic comedy she liked, set up the bath for a candle-lit soak, and strewed flowers across the bedroom. She came home, savoured her lovely meal, and sat down to enjoy a movie. Near the end, I quietly excused myself to pour bubbles, draw bath water, and light the candles and incense. Unfortunately I began lighting the candles on the near side of the tub. By the time I lit a few on the far side, my pants and shirt were on fire. Screaming like a banshee, I tore out of the bathroom (away from a full bath!) and out the back door, and began ripping off my shirt. She jumped up and followed me outside to see what the screaming was about, then proceeded to beat the flames out. Roughly. I was pushed to the ground, stomped on, and kicked. (I thought dinner was better than that!) I finally remembered to "stop, drop, and roll" and the flames disappeared. We had a good laugh about it, and we kept the burnt pants, shirt, and boxers for a long time. With a little ice for me, and her own steady hand lighting the remaining candles, the rest of our evening was worthy of a scene in any decent romantic comedy. Our love still burns--just not as vividly as that magical night. --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ Sponsored by the book, Darwin Awards: Chlorinating the Gene Pool Sponsored by the book, Darwin Awards: Chlorinating the Gene Pool http://DarwinAwards.com/book --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+ HEREBY Seeking stories from Military Professionals! Does your story begin, "A young man had finished basic training..."? Does your story begin, "The worst case scenario was averted at the last second..."? Share with Darwin's new story series, TITLED: Darwin Awards' MILITARY INTELLIGENCE. --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+