Darwin Awards Newsletter -- March 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Subscribe! subscribe@darwinawards.com Cancel? cancel@darwinawards.com +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ WHAT ARE THE DARWIN AWARDS? In the spirit of naturalist Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards celebrate evolution in action by commemorating the remains of individuals who contribute to the improvement of our gene pool by removing themselves from it. WORDS FROM WEBMASTER WENDY Welcome to 56,983 newsletter subscribers. We added 8194 members in February! Anthony I. Martinez of San Angelo, Texas won the January Darwin Fish Giveaway. Stop by the website and register to win a Free Darwin T-Shirt or Fish in March! http://www.darwinawards.com/?0003 This month's Philosophical Question: Are animals eligible for Darwin Awards? It has long been my belief that the answer is no. There have been no non-human candidates for a Darwin Award. Most animals lack the foresight to anticipate adequately the consequences of their actions, therefore are not eligible for a Darwin Award. Only men and women, and perhaps primates and dolphins, posses the requisite self-awareness to contend for this award. But a reader pointed out, "Animals can be as stupid as people. Just watch chickens get trampled to death in a rush to be the one to drink the water dripping from the ceiling while abundant water is available all around, or a dozen sheep following one another, each stopping to look down the cliff at the bodies of it's buddies before stepping out into space." What do you think? Visit the Philosophy Forum and share your views. http://www.darwinawards.com/ubb/?0003 IN THIS NEWSLETTER ISSUE: * Avoiding a Fight * Marksmanship * 5 Soldiers 6 Police 0 Brains +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ AVOIDING A FIGHT 1999 Darwin Award Confirmed True by Darwin (19 December 1999, Canada) Daniel and his girlfriend were embroiled in a heated argument as she drove along Interstate 88 the weekend before Christmas. The posted speed limit was 65 MPH, and she was a bit intoxicated, so she was driving quite fast when the argument finally became too much for Daniel. He'd had enough! He couldn't take any more! And so Daniel climbed out of the car onto the roof, which was not only coated in ice but also buffeted by gale-force winds. He slipped and fell, and died from head injuries the next day. His girlfriend Crystal was charged with driving under the influence. www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Vote on the Darwin Awards at http://www.darwinawards.com/?0003 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ MARKSMANSHIP 1999 Honorable Mention Confirmed True by Darwin (7 November 1999, Florida) A Port St. John resident was never what neighbors would describe as friendly, so they greeted news of his recent foot wound with amusement on Sunday. The man had been standing in his front yard and aiming his gun at a neighbor's dog with malevolent intent. But his markmanship proved lacking that day. When he squeezed the trigger, he hit his own foot instead of the mutt and wound up suffering in the hospital for his transgressions against man's best friend. www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 5 SOLDIERS 6 POLICE 0 BRAINS 1999 Darwin Awards Personal Account (Early 70's, Belfast, Northern Ireland) In the early 70's, an undercover Military Intelligence squad was patrolling a notorious Belfast area in plainclothes. After the perilous evening, they emerged onto a York street and stopped for petrol and a few smokes. One of the soldiers asked the attendant if there was a pay phone, and the attendant pointed to the rear of the store. As the soldier turned towards the phone, the attendant caught the flash of a concealed weapon. Alarmed and fearing a terrorist hold-up, he vanished into the back room, where he phoned the local police station 100 yards up the street. But instead of phoning the front desk, which would have known of a military patrol in the area, he phoned a pal in the CID. The CID was excited by the thought of a good action going down, and they also failed to consult with the local police. They drove out, mob handed, to rescue their friend from terrorists. The soldiers were just preparing to leave the petrol station when a car screamed to a halt across the street and disgorged six plainclothes policemen brandishing an assortment of weapons. Believing they where under attacked by terrorists, the soldiers drew their own weapons, dove behind their vehicle, and opened fire. The police returned fire in earnest. For good measure, an off-duty officer around the corner drew his weapon and fired four shots in the air. The exchange lasted many minutes before a lone voice sounded, "Stop! Police." Another voice shouted back, "Cease Fire! Army." Over 100 rounds were fired across the busy intersection during the exchange. Not a single person was hurt, and the story was kept from the media to protect the identities of the "intelligence" officers involved. www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ MORE NEW STORIES at http://www.darwinawards.com/?0003 * Love from the Heart * Out of Their Heads * Don't Chute the Messenger * A Darwin Dog * Playing the Blues * Is it Loaded? * Lawnmower Mechanics * Round Lake Short Cut * Pledge Hazing * Raccoon Rocket * * * Darwin Awards Newsletter -- 16 March 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Subscribe! subscribe@darwinawards.com Cancel? cancel@darwinawards.com +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ WHAT ARE THE DARWIN AWARDS? Darwin Awards celebrate Charles Darwin's theory of evolution by commemorating the remains of individuals who contribute to the improvement of our gene pool by removing themselves from it. IN THIS NEWSLETTER ISSUE: -- Forklift Safety Video -- Jumping Jack Cash -- Gun Totin' Granny WIN A FREE T-SHIRT! Register at http://www.darwinawards.com/?0003 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FORKLIFT SAFETY VIDEO 2000 Darwin Award Nominee -- Confirmed True by Darwin (Perth, Australia) It just stands to reason, one should follow safe practices while filming a safety video. But Peter, the 52-year-old owner of a machinery and equipment training school, violated that rule of common sense while filming a forklift safety demonstration. With the cameras rolling, he was thrown from the cabin of his forklift and crushed. Subsequent investigation revealed the culprits responsible for the fatality: driver error and high speed over varied terrain, coupled with an unused seat belt. His final safety demonstration was the most convincing of his career. www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Vote on the Darwin Awards at http://www.darwinawards.com/?0003 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ JUMPING JACK CASH 2000 Darwin Award Nominee -- Unconfirmed The Grand Canyon in Arizona is cordoned off by a fence around the more treacherous overlooks, to prevent unsteady sightseers from tottering into the depths. Some of these overlooks have small towering plateaus a short distance from the fence. Tourists toss coins onto the plateaus, like dry wishing wells. Quite a few coins pile up on the surfaces, while others fall to the valley floor far below. One entrepreneur climbed over the fence with a bag, and leapt to one of the precarious, coin-covered perches. He filled the bag with booty, then tried to leap back to the fence with the coins. But the heavy bag arrested his jump, and several tourist were treated to a view of his plunge to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. He did not survived to harvest the piles of coins that had suffered his same fate. www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ GUN-TOTIN' GRANNY 2000 Urban Legend -- Popular Portrayal of Vengeance (Melbourne, Australia) Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down -- and shot their testicles off! "The old lady spent a week hunting those bums down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way," said admiring Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. "Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'" Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the seedy hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. "The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to," Detective Delp told reporters. "Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through." The Rambo Granny swung into action after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the police would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either - because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' it all my life." So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos' car, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel. "I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them," the ornery oldster recalled. "So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door -- and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em; got right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in." Now, baffled lawmen are tying to figure out how to deal with the vigilante granny. "What she did was wrong, but you can't really throw an 81-year-old woman in prison." Det. Delp said, "especially when all 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood." URBAN LEGEND ALERT! Our Australian contact refutes this GUN-TOTIN' GRANNY tale. "I work for the Office of Public Prosecutions in Melbourne, and thus have access to information on the criminal activities of my fellow Victorians. I checked through our records, and I can say with confidence that neither rapist exists in our records. If they were actually convicted, there is a 100% chance that they would be in our records, as we would have prosecuted them. Furthermore, even a Granny in her 80's would still be prosecuted. Case in point is where one elderly lady was charged with stabbed another to death in a nursing home last year. And finally, I read our newspapers and watch the news programs each night, and I do not recall ever seeing anything about this matter, despite its sensational nature which, if true, would plaster it all over the media. www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ MORE NEW STORIES at http://www.darwinawards.com/?0003 * Circular Reasoning * Gun Safety Training * Rappin' on Heaven's Door * A Fell Death * Neanderthal with Gas * ER Excitement * Feces Pieces * Friend John's Testis * What's Shakin'? * Hot Apple Pie * Splitting Headache