Darwin Awards Newsletter -- January 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Subscribe! subscribe@darwinawards.com Cancel? cancel@darwinawards.com +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ In the spirit of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who enrich our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances for long-term survival. This month we have been working the kinks out of our very own dedicated server. Pages should load faster than ever now, and the Philosophy Forum won't slow down during peak traffic times. We collaborated with Caleb, an artist from the T-Shirt Outlet, to bring you new Darwin Awards T-Shirts for only $12 apiece. Order online, by phone, or by fax. Each beefy T-Shirt has our logo on the front and a Darwin Award story on the back. Choose from these three pithy examples of evolution in action: Living in Zionist Time Fatal Footsie The Last Supper Or trust your luck and enter our Free T-Shirt and Darwin Fish Giveaway! Visit to buy or enter to win: http://www.darwinawards.com/free.html?0002 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ WALKING ON WATER 1999 Darwin Awards Nominee Confirmed True by Darwin (24 November 1999, California) One particular group of Christians attempted to follow in Jesus' footsteps more literally than most. They worked to master the secret of walking on water. Diligently, day by day, the group tried to be closer to God by making a sincere effort to walk on water. These Christians continued their unorthodox practices until the leader of this small Los Angeles group unexpectedly died while practicing in his bathtub. His wife said James spent many hours trying to perfect the technique of walking on water, but had not yet mastered the ability. He apparently drowned after slipping on a bar of soap. These people obviously haven't realised that anyone can walk on water. I've done it myself. Just wait until the lake freezes... www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Vote on the Darwin Awards at http://www.darwinawards.com/?0002 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ CHIMNEY SAFETY 1999 Honorable Mentions Confirmed True by Darwin (1999) A married couple wanted to keep their home fires burning, and decided to install a wood stove in their Granite Falls home. They figured it didn't take a rocket scientist to install this basic bit of heating hardware, so instead of hiring a professional, they brought the stove home and installed it themselves. They even remembered to cut a hole through the ceiling for the chimney vent. Unfortunately they neglected to extend the chimney through the attic to the roof. Pleased with a job well done, they settled down to a cozy evening in front of the fire. The inevitable happened. The heat and sparks built up in the attic and set their home ablaze, providing an unexpected source of warmth from above. Snohomish County firefighters extinguished the fire, and the couple returned to their home to console each other over their $8000 loss. But the fire was not quite out. Firefighters had failed to fully extinguish the fire, which started up again the next morning, burning the house to the ground. The husband and wife survived. www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ RESISTANCE IS FUTILE 1999 Darwin Awards Nominee Unconfirmed by Darwin (1999) The US Navy issues a safety publication which lists "Do's" and, as a prophylactic measure, describes injuries incurred while doing the "Don't's." One story described the fate of a sailor playing with a multimeter in an unauthorized manner. This sailor was curious about the resistance level of the human body. He had a Simpson 260 multimeter, familiar to most Navy personnel. It is a small unit powered by a 9-volt battery, which may not seem powerful enough to be dangerous… but the battery can be deadly in the wrong hands. The sailor hooked up two probes and took one in each hand to measure his bodily resistance from thumb to thumb. The probes had sharp tips, and in his excitement he pressed his thumbs hard enough against the probes to break the skin. Once the salty conducting fluid known as blood was available, the current from the multimeter travelled right across the sailor's heart, disrupting the electrical regulation of his heartbeat. He died before he could record his Ohms of resistance. The lesson? The Navy issues very few objects designed to be stuck into the human body. www.DarwinAwards.com Copyright 2000 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ More New Darwin Awards at http://www.darwinawards.com/?0002 Wild Animal Lessons That Sinking Feeling Scoutmaster Snare Packing the Wardrobe Coke -- the Real Thing +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Subscribe! subscribe@darwinawards.com Cancel? cancel@darwinawards.com +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++