DARWIN AWARDS NEWSLETTER - January 1998 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Visit our archives! To unsubscribe, reply to this email with the word "cancel" = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = DARWIN AWARDS NEWSLETTER - January 1998 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = TABLE of CONTENTS: MESSAGE FROM WEBMASTER WENDY 1997 DARWIN AWARDS WINNER: MAN SLICES OFF HIS PENIS FATAL FLASHER INCOMPETENT ESCAPE IF ONLY THERE WAS A BIKE LANE READERS SHARE INSIGHTS = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = MESSAGE FROM WEBMASTER WENDY Greetings to the 941 newsletter subscribers who stepped on board in 1997. Your votes, criticisms, and astounding personal tales have made the Darwin Awards better than ever. We have added a section for personal stories, so drop by our website and read about your fellow humans. 1997 votes are tallied. Unfortunately, the two most popular contenders - Misadventure at the Metallica Concert and Hedonist Air Pumpers - were disqualified as Urban Legend. This cleared the way for a late entrant to win the 1997 Darwin Award! Read the story below in its full glory. I followed this event from inception through exciting denouement and verify its authenticity. Just what does it take to win a Darwin Award? Requirements include REPRODUCTION VERACITY IMMEDIACY MATURITY ORIGINALITY SELF-SUFFICIENCY and EXCELLENCE. The main requirement is that the misadventure renders the contender dead or incapable of procreating. Therefore, living Darwin Award Nominees are possible. With the invaluable assistance of Mr. Doug Riddle, the rules are now listed on our website. In accordance with the wishes of many who wrote in to denounce the nomination of a child, we have included an age limit of 16. Speak with you again in February! = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Man Slices Off His Penis 1997 Darwin Awards Winner Alan Hall, 48, was found collapsed on the front lawn of his brother's Fairfield home on Friday, 8 hours after his penis had been cut off at the base. Paramedics rushed Hall to North Bay Medical Center, where surgeons were unsuccessful in their attempts to reattach his severed organ. Hall blamed the maiming on a woman named Brenda, whom he met at a local gas station the previous night. He brought Brenda to his trailer, parked in the driveway of his brother's Fairfield home, and had sex. Around 3AM, the woman mentioned revenge and cut off his penis with a razor-sharp hobby knife, then fled the trailer on foot. Details of the attack were sketchy, and police were unsure why Hall could not defend himself. Fairfield police Lieutenant William Gresham said Hall may have been using drugs. A heated manhunt for Brenda ensued. She was described as a 4 2-year-old white female, 5' 7" and 135 pounds, dressed in a white blouse, navy blue jacket and blue slacks, and possibly driving a brown Ford F350 pickup truck. Meanwhile, after being discharged from the hospital on Monday, Hall drove off in a pickup hitched to his trailer and disappeared. Detectives were eager to interview him again, but were unable to locate him due to his transient lifestyle. More intriguing details began to emerge. Hall was arrested during the 1970's for drug possession and drunk driving. In 1982 he was arrested for taking his young daughter out of state. Psychological tests suggested that he suffered permanent mental trauma while serving with the U.S. Navy in Vietnam, causing blackouts and alcoholism. His ex-wife described him as a pack rat who enjoyed taking trips in his mobile trailer home. In 1983 Hall was convicted of voluntary manslaughter of a 23-year-old Suisun City woman found strangled in a car parked at a local Denny's restaurant on 17 February. Hall confessed to the murder, saying that she taunted him about his inability to achieve an erection when he tried to have sex with her. His statement was ruled inadmissible because of improper police interrogation techniques, and prosecutors agreed to let Hall plead guilty to voluntary manslaughter. He served half of a six-year prison term. Police speculated that the woman who cut off his penis may have been carrying out a 14-year-old vendetta for the slaying of her friend. But the truth was even stranger. When Hall was finally located and interviewed on Thursday, he admitted that he cut off his own penis. A voice stress analyzer indicated that he was telling the truth. "At this point, there is no evidence that a crime occurred," police Lieutenant William Gresham said in a press release. "The case is being reclassified as an injured person report." Hall may face misdemeanor charges for filing a false police report. Ironically, Alan Hall works as a pipe-fitter, according to court records. 5 December 97, Fairfield, California www.DarwinAwards.com Contributed by Wendy Renee = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Another penis story about the dangers of injecting cocaine is available at our website. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = FATAL FLASHER A Dallas man who was exposing himself to passing traffic died Friday night. Police were alerted by a motorist who had spotted Richard Hollis, 47, standing naked on a railroad trestle. When officers arrived, Hollis was standing under the trestle, still naked. As officers approached, he grabbed his clothes and ran back onto the railroad trestle. He leapt from the trestle, apparently aiming for a concrete support underneath, but missed and fell 35 feet to the ground. He died at Parkland hospital an hour later. The Dallas Morning News, December 21, 1997 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = INCOMPETENT ESCAPE A prisoner in the new Allegheny County Jail in Pittsburgh PA fell to his death while attempting escape from a window on the top floor of the jail. One night during the guard shift change, the prisoner broke out a supposedly shatter-proof cell window and unfurled a 100 foot rope constructed from bed sheets. He began to descend the rope, not realizing that glass is sharp. By the time he had descended several feet, the shattered window pane had sliced through the cloth, plunging him to his demise. As an interesting footnote, the bottom of the rope was still 80 feet short of the street below. Anonymous Contribution = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = IF ONLY THERE WAS A BIKE LANE A bicyclist crossing an airport runway in Sorocaba, Sao Paulo, Brazil, was killed when he was hit by a landing airplane. Marcelo Dias dos Santos, 25, could not hear the plane coming because he was listening to his Walkman on headphones, investigators said. (Reuters) Contributed by Chris Harrison = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = READERS SHARE INSIGHTS Mark Costantino confides, "I actually felt sorry for the Metallica dolts. I would do the same for Yanni." Noah realizes, "My God humans are stupid! It's hard to believe we're really at the top of the food chain." Allen Ray comments, "I find that humanity IS in fact growing more intelligent as time goes on. Thank you for explaining the reason for this phenomenon!" Ansel shares his dating technique: "If the Internet was solely created to bring your Darwin Awards to us, the unenlightened public, it would not be in vain. I am a better person for this: now I have something to break the ice with at parties. Thank you. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = DARWIN AWARDS NEWSLETTER - January 1998 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Visit our archives! Next issue arrives in email boxes February 1998. To unsubscribe, please reply to this email with the word "cancel" = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Thank you for voting for the 1997 Darwin Award Winner! As a SPECIAL BONUS for your efforts, we will send you our Free Monthly Newsletter. Results of the 1997 Elections will be announced in a special mailing to subscribers on 1 January 1998! 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