The Darwin Award 2012
"Thanks for visiting. Now, goodbye." -Mama Nature
*** Press Release. 12-31-2011 ***
*** The Darwin Award Winner Is... ***
Darwin Awards honor those who make the world a safer place for all by not reproducing. Darwin Awards traveled throughout 2011 "in search of smart." This year we have a surprise winner:
The Smart Report: The Darwin Award Winner for 2011 is:
Homo sapiens sapiens. Endangered Species. This 'wise man'
was is declared an official "Endangered Species" by the Darwin Awards on DailyKOS. Due
to the proliferation of stresses like infernal plastic packaging, climate
change, and heavy traffic, this colorful species has earned the the "hats
off to you!" imminent Darwin Award for 2012. In short:
Homo sapiens species invented plastic packages so difficult to open that boxcutters
and scissors, bloody fingers and gashed furniture became part of daily
life. "The plastic shell deters theft." Once a meme exists there is no
eradicating it from the species' minds. Regardless of how many frustrated
people and cut fingers result, Homo sapiens sapiens slowly nicks itself to
death on memes and plastic shells. Climate change has also dogged the
species, melting icebergs, freezing saguaro, and drying Tibet. The final
straw that ultimately dooms the individual Homo sapien is the
stress caused by traffic sirens, paperwork, processed food, and
species-wide bickering. Behold:
ANGRY WHEELCHAIR MAN
Confirmed // South Korea: This angry
man epitomizes the downfall of the human race. It began with simply
missing an elevator, the proverbial straw on the camel's back. With
stresssed-out rage, Angry Wheelchair Man rammed his chair 3x against the
lift doors, (bam! bam! bam!), angrily breaking through and falling down the
rabbit hole of the elevator shaft to his death. This dead 40-year-old lives
on as a poster child: Stress kills. Gravity kills, too.
"45-second video. This is real security video, not staged."
Nothing symbolizes the downfall of the human race like an actual down fall.
2011 DARWIN AWARD WINNER, PLANKING SPANKING
Confirmed by a
Mind-Boggled Mr. Darwin. PLANKING?
What is it? 'Planking' is the peculiar wit of lying flat as a plank in
unusual locations--train tracks, fire hydrants, clotheslines--and posting
public photographs, spreading joy. This Australian craze had infected poor
Mr. Acton B., a (former) planking enthusiast who was not aware that
Balconies Are The #1 One Cause of Gravity-Fed Darwin Awards. Not knowing,
he was doomed to repeat the lesson. He stretched his body out face-down on
the railing, arms by his sides, stiff as a plank, balanced. "Don't do it,
don't cross that line young male Homo sapiens sapiens!" The
species is doomed. Down he fell. Descent of man.
PLANKING happened on 15 May 2011, Brisbane AU. Although we do not have a
photograph of the actual event, we encourage to re-enact the scene for your
cameras. No, really, go ahead.
The #1 Annual Darwin Award Winner, a mass award for those who rose to
the challenge, goes to the species, Homo sapiens sapiens.
Mankind placed himself on the Endangered Species List, or perhaps
Natural Selection placed him on the list, by the inevitable outcome of
ignoring the mathematical law of sustained growth. Pursuing the "stupid
dead species award," Homo sapiens sapiens are predicted to
be the Big Winner in the 2012 Darwin Awards Sweepstakes. Yet even to the
end, mankind can be counted upon to indulge in the hobby called booze...
The Honorable Mention of the Century, Creative Use Of Technology: Bar Stool Boogie
The Motorized Bar Stool symbolizes
man's great aspiration to get himself to the bar and party like the end
of the world. If you suddenly lost your license for DUI, would you be
talented enough to cross a lawnmower with a barstool? A lawnmower/barstool
hybrid that putts along at 20-mph* is nothing to sneeze at, and I'd buy a
man a drink who showed up driving one. True story, from New Jersey, the
inventor's only crime was driving the barstool drunk. Give the man a
license to spill - our hero survived a tumble to be nominated The Darwin
Awards Honorable Mention of the Century! He was recently seen piloting his
barstool hybrid toward the setting sun. Good luck to you, sir.
* 38-mph according to the indignant creator.
Darwin Awards thanatologists, who specialize in the study of death, describe 2011 as, "Not much new, innovation-wise. Standing in front of rolling trash trucks, electrocution while stealing copper wire, leaping from balcony to balcony, finding bombs in bogs, all more of the same." Although the balance tipped against the species, as a whole, individual drama was low.
Thanks for spreading the humorous news about the extinction of the human species.
The Nature Of Evolution. "Yes We Can!"
Please contact Mooglie Boog, firstname.lastname@example.org, for more information.